


you are my sunshine

by domokunrainbowkinz



Series: the price of life [1]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gangsters, Angst, Blood, Drugs, Gun Violence, I have no idea why i wrote this, I'm Sorry, M/M, One Shot, Russian Mafia, Sad Ending, Single POV, Tragedy, Tragic Romance, Yakuza
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-04
Updated: 2017-06-04
Packaged: 2018-11-08 21:26:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,528
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11090232
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/domokunrainbowkinz/pseuds/domokunrainbowkinz
Summary: “Let’s leave together, solnyshko,” Victor murmured, leaning into Yuuri’s touch.Before, Yuuri would never even dare to do something like this, to throw away the life he had shed so much blood for just because of a man. But as he stared into Victor’s bright, blue eyes, he was filled with a new steely determination, a flame that would only grow stronger with each passing day.“I’m ready now.”inspired by thisart





	you are my sunshine

**Author's Note:**

> i wanted to try writing angst, so i decided to go big :)  
> heavily inspired by Ashida's fic "Masquerade" and witchbane's fic "Kintsugi", both of which are mafia au's.  
> consider this fic the "cursed ending" for all mafia au's (not sure if spoiler or not, but i consider it a sacred rule in my yoi fics that victor and yuuri will end up together no matter what).  
> i'm sorry in advance :')

They sprinted down the dark alleyway, hand in hand, the rain hammering down on their black jackets. Idly, Yuuri wonders if the sky was trying to wash away their sins – well, no matter how much water washes over them, if the ocean somehow fell from above, it would never be enough. There was too much blood on their hands, too many families torn apart by their cold ruthlessness.

“There should be a car around the corner up ahead,” Yuuri heard Victor say beside him, just loud enough so he could hear over the pounding of rain on the pavement, but not loud enough for their pursuers to catch wind of their plan.

Yuuri nodded and gripped Victor’s hand harder, letting the other man lead the way. He would gladly follow Victor anywhere, follow him to the ends of the Earth, to the depths of hell, where he was sure there was a special place for the two of them. The world could burn, the sky could fall, the ground could crumble beneath them, but as long as Yuuri had those sea-blue eyes and heart-shaped smile to himself, he didn’t care.

As long as they were together, nothing mattered.

True to Victor’s word, there was a small getaway car waiting for them around the corner. Yuuri let go of Victor’s hand temporarily to shove himself into the passenger side, but as soon as the two of them were in the car, their hands found each other’s again.

Victor lifted Yuuri’s hand and gave him a small kiss on his ring finger before starting the car, swerving onto the slick, rain-battered road. From the rearview mirror, Yuuri could see two cars tailing them. A few seconds later, he felt the gunshots peppering the steel exterior of the car. He hid behind the seat when the rearview window shattered, then got out his handgun, opening the window to fire at the cars behind them. Victor swerved the car in a zig-zag pattern, trying to lose their pursuers.

Eventually, after a few more turns, they could no longer see cars behind them. Sighing, Yuuri slumped against the passenger seat, allowing himself to relax momentarily. He knew the cars would appear again, knew they would be pursued again, and it would never stop until the two of them were dead.

“As soon as we make it over the bridge, we’ll be on our way to the safehouse,” Victor said, turning towards Yuuri with a smile on his face. He was beautiful, illuminated by the soft light of the street-lamps. Silver hair that shone like the moon on a clear night, sparkling blue eyes like the calm ocean of Hasetsu, a lovely heart-shaped smile. Yuuri nodded, returning the same expression.

He wondered how this even happened. How did he, a hitman tasked with killing the Pakhan of the Feltsman Bratva, manage to make the Sovietnik fall for him?

And a better question would be: how did he, himself, fall for the Sovietnik in return?

//

He wasn’t sure when it happened, only that it happened slowly, over the course of many years. The Nishigori-ikka and Feltsman Bratva were never on completely friendly terms, but for the last couple of years, the negotiations had been growing tense. Yuuri had first heard of Victor when he was just a teenager, barely old enough to carry out jobs. He heard stories of the notorious man, four years his senior, working his way up the ranks despite having no blood-relations in the gang. He was warned by his _sensei_ , Minako, to be careful of the Russian.

“They say he is ruthless,” she said as they trained, Yuuri throwing his knives towards the training dummies with deadly accuracy. “One day, you may have to kill him. You’ll need to be ready when it comes.”

“That’s why you’re training me though, isn’t it?”

She smiled at the question and ruffled his hair. “Good answer, Yuuri.”

The first time he saw a photo of Victor, he was…surprised, to say the least. He expected someone who was large, commanding, who looked like they had fought tooth and nail to get to the position they were in.

Victor was none of these; instead, he was a lithe figure with long silver hair and icy-blue eyes, shorter than the bodyguards that were surrounding him. Yet at the same time, he gave off an aura of authority and dangerous beauty, daring anyone to try and rip him down.

He didn’t admit this to anyone, not even himself, but at the time, he thought Victor was the most beautiful person he’d ever seen.

As he accumulated more kills and started to gain more of the _kumicho_ ’s favour, he was able to sit with them at the tense negotiations that happened every few months. Both sides always had their best bodyguards and hitmen nearby during these situations: it would ensure neither party would even dare to step out of line.

It was at the first of these meetings that Yuuri finally met Victor face to face, and he realized very quickly the grainy photos did not do the Russian justice. He spent the entire dinner sneaking glances at Victor, who spoke and bargained with the confidence and demeanor of someone who was years beyond his age.

And it was at the end of the tense meeting, which resulted in a stilted negotiation at best, that Victor had caught Yuuri staring. He turned away quickly when those cold, blue eyes met his, trying his hardest to hide the crimson blush that had spread across his face that was unbecoming for one of the best hitmen in the Nishigori-ikka.

“See something you like?” Victor had asked coyly, causing Yuuri to glare at him, trying to regain some of his dignity back.

“You’re a cute one, _malen’kaya porosenok_ ,” Victor giggled, then turned and left, leaving Yuuri standing there with his blood boiling.

//

The second time they met, Victor had cut off most of his hair, leaving just a fringe that covered his left eye. Yuuri tried his hardest not to even look at Victor, lest he repeat the same humiliating situation from before. He focused his attention on the Pakhan and _kumicho_ as they negotiated, exchanging dry insults and strained offers. The entire time, he felt Victor’s eyes on him, but he forced himself to not even give a shred of attention to the silver-haired man.

As Yuuri was leaving the room after the negotiations were over, he felt a hand circle around his wrist.

“What’s your name?” Victor asked, his grip around Yuuri’s wrist loose enough for him to pull away. Yuuri gave Victor a suspicious look, wondering what the other man’s intentions were.

“Why does it matter?” he asked, pulling away and holding the hand Victor had held against himself. Even though his grip had been gentle, it felt like there was a permanent brand encircling his wrist. Victor cocked his head, his silver fringe falling over the bridge of his nose.

“Just curious,” he replied, a small smile on his face. Despite the many smiles he gave the _kumicho_ , Pakhan, and the various men surrounding him, this one felt the most genuine to Yuuri.

Something about it scared him.

“Yuuri,” he breathed out, trying to quell the shaking in his chest. Victor repeated after him, trying the name out on his lips, dragging out the middle vowels and rolling the _r_ in his name. Hearing his name being said that way only made the shaking worse.

“That’s a nice name,” Victor said quietly, then smiled wider. For once, his blue eyes didn’t look cold, and instead they reminded Yuuri of the warm summer sky.

He stared at Victor’s retreating figure as he left, a storm of conflicted emotions raging inside.

//

Yuuri found himself looking forward to their next meeting, and immediately berated himself for it. Victor was the _enemy_. No matter how charming he may be, what sweet words come out of his mouth, he ultimately only wants as much as he could squeeze out from the Nishigori-ikka. He was just another pawn in Victor’s game, nothing more.

He ignored Victor when he called out his name, trying to put as much distance between them as possible. Yuuri refused to be a part of his twisted game, refused to be the one Victor seduces with pretty words and lingering touches. He’ll end it before it even starts.

However, he underestimated just how determined Victor was.

Yuuri was on his way to bed, muscles sore from a day of training, when he saw Victor leaning against the closed door to his room, arms crossed over his chest with an annoyed look on his face. He almost turned around and went the other way, but his pride kept him from looking weak and spineless in front of Victor. He was better than this.

“What are you doing here?” Yuuri sighed, keeping his face as expressionless as possible as he walked closer to the other man.

“Yuuuri,” Victor whined, not moving an inch as Yuuri stopped a few feet in front of him, “why did you ignore me? I’m hurt.”

“Really now,” Yuuri replied flatly, crossing his arms. “Sorry about that.”

“I might forgive you if you let me sleep with you,” Victor teased, a devilish sparkle in his eyes. Yuuri fought the blush that made its way up his neck to the tips of his ears, trying to keep his cold demeanor on.

“Move it,” he hissed, gritting his teeth as he reached towards the doorknob. Victor grabbed his hand, his grip loose like the first time he did it. Unlike the first time though, Yuuri didn’t pull away, instead entranced by the warmth that radiated from his hand all the way down his arm and into his chest.

Victor looked down at their hands with an unreadable expression, rubbing his thumb in gentle circles over Yuuri’s knuckles. His heart was kicking in his chest painfully when Victor raised his hand, and it almost burst out of his chest when he felt lips press softly on his fingers. Ocean eyes peered at Yuuri through silver lashes, filled with lust and want, and a deeper emotion that Yuuri couldn’t name.

He barely heard Victor say “good night” as he brushed past, still feeling the ghost of Victor’s breath on his fingers.

//

The first time they had a real conversation, Yuuri learned that they both loved poodles, long walks on the beach, and the feel of ice under their blades while they skate. He still saw the deep, burning spark in Victor’s eyes that only seemed to grow as they met more and more, and one day he realized he feels the same spark in his heart.

During the beginning, he was cautious, trying to appear as uninterested as possible. But his heart was weak, had always been weak, and was especially weak when it came to Victor with his bright, childish laugh and a smile that put the sun to shame. He didn’t trust Victor, still believing he was just using Yuuri as a means to get more information about the _kumicho_ and Nishigori-ikka, but it was nice to pretend for a while that Victor was interested in an insignificant hitman. Once he’s had enough, and it was clear he couldn’t get information out of Yuuri, Victor would leave for sure.

But then, one night as they were walking down the street with their hands barely brushing, Yuuri took a bullet for Victor.

It wasn’t anyone from the Nishigori-ikka, nor any of the other families that controlled the underworld in Japan. They were just a mugger who was too trigger-happy, who barely even asked for Victor’s wallet before shooting. Yuuri didn’t even think, his body moving on his own and covering Victor as the bullet tore through his right lung. He barely registered the mugger’s shocked reaction when another gunshot sounded and the mugger collapsed, red leaking from his skull.

For as long as Yuuri would live, he could never forget the look on Victor’s face.

It was a look that shook him right to the core, even as he slowly lost consciousness from the blood filling his lung, the oxygen struggling to enter is body. The intense fear and panic in Victor’s usually calm eyes, the way his hands shook as he covered Yuuri’s wound, his voice edging on hysteria as he urged Yuuri to _please, please stay with me, don’t go where I can’t follow, please please please please_ –

When Yuuri woke up, he was in a hospital bed with Minako- _sensei_ beside him.

“Be thankful that _rosuke_ brought you in,” she said, when Yuuri asked how he ended up here. “You could have died, you know. Getting shot in the lung is pretty serious.”

She gave Yuuri a steely look, like she knew exactly how he got the wound. He swallowed hard, biting back a cry from the pain in his right side.

“Don’t do anything you’ll regret,” she warned, then left the room, leaving Yuuri frozen in the hospital bed.

Did he regret it? Taking a bullet for Victor?

A wry smile found itself on his face as he realized that no, _no_ , he didn’t regret it one bit, and he knew there was no turning back from there.

//

“Victor…are you sure about this?” he asked quietly, as they laid together in bed with the fading smell of sweat and sin and lust. Ever since that night when Yuuri was shot, both have crossed lines that they really shouldn’t be crossing, already too far gone to ever go back.

It was foolish, and it was dangerous, but they were both drawn to each other like a moth to a flame. They met in secret during the tense negotiations between the Nishigori-ikka and Feltsman Bratva, talking about everything and nothing, trying to memorize the taste of each other’s lips and map out the scars on their bodies. The wanting only grew each time they met, and they took a piece of each other each time they separated until their souls looked like a kaleidoscope of both, no longer completely their own.

Despite all they felt for each other though, neither of them dared to utter the word that put a name to those emotions.

The question felt like sand coming out Yuuri’s mouth, it scratched at his throat and made his tongue heavy. He was too aware of how much he wanted Victor, the deep longing he felt whenever they separated, but he was also so sure that Victor would come to regret this one day. How was Yuuri worth it? Worth Victor risking everything, his title, his wealth, his power, all for a _yakuza_ hitman?

 “Yuuri… _moyo solnyshko_ ,” Victor murmured quietly as he carded through Yuuri’s hair, pulling him closer. Yuuri leaned into the crook of Victor’s neck, breathing in his sweet, heady scent.

“I’ve never been more sure about anything in my life,” Victor whispered tenderly, his voice deep and quiet and so full of –

Something in Yuuri’s chest twisted, a deep ache that was so painful, Yuuri bit his lip to keep the tears at bay. He doesn’t deserve this, doesn’t deserve _Victor._

 _What did I do? Why are you doing this?_ Yuuri wanted to ask.

“ _Moyo solnyshko_ …what does that mean? I hear you call me that a lot,” he asked instead, trying to quell the pain that bloomed inside of him.

“It means ‘my sun’,” Victor replied fondly, a loving smile across his face, “because you really are, Yuuri.”

“How?” Yuuri asked, the words tumbling out breathlessly before he could stop them.

A moment of silence passed between them. Then two. Then three. Yuuri could feel Victor’s fingers tighten, his jaw clench. He immediately regretted asking.

“I…don’t exactly have a happy life,” he replied quietly, his fingers moving down to the nape of Yuuri’s neck. “I joined the Bratva out of necessity; I needed the money, and fast, so this was the only way. It wasn’t easy, having no blood relatives in the Bratva. Working my way up was…”

He trailed off, and Yuuri moved his head to look at Victor’s face. He saw a cluster of emotions pass behind those stormy blue eyes. Pain. Regret. Sadness. Anger. Shame.

“And sometimes, I ask myself: was it even worth it? I got the money, but as far as my family is concerned, they have no son,” he continued, a humourless smile stretched thinly across his face.

“No son, huh?” Yuuri repeated with the same, hollow tone. “Sounds a lot like me.”

Victor didn’t say anything, only moving his hand to cup Yuuri’s cheek.

“I managed, for many years. But there were nights where it got bad…really bad,” Victor continued quietly, “and I was so convinced that I should just end it right then and there.

“But I didn’t. I woke up the next morning, put on my clothes, and went on with my life like nothing was wrong. And I thought…well, maybe it’s a curse I’ll have to bear, living an empty life with no purpose. Criminals like us have no happy endings, and I accepted that fact.

“And then…I met you,” he said with a smile, and Yuuri felt his breath catch in his throat. “For once, I actually felt…alive. There was a reason for me to wake up in the morning, and it made living everyday a lot easier.”

“But why me?” Yuuri asked, his voice barely a whisper. Victor sighed, caressing Yuuri’s cheek with his thumb.

“I guess I saw myself in you,” he replied, and Yuuri wanted to cry, because that was exactly what he saw in Victor as well.

“When…when people join the _yakuza_ , we have to cut our family ties and transfer loyalty to the _kumicho_ ,” he began, feeling the old wound he so carefully patched up over the years slowly re-open. “I didn’t have many friends, wasn’t ever good at making them. And the fact that we were also very poor…”

He pulled himself closer to Victor, burrowing himself into his chest. Victor rubbed comforting circles into Yuuri’s back and pressed a kiss to the crown of his head.

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to,” he whispered, his lips moving against Yuuri’s scalp. “I’m here for you, _solnyshko_ , my sunshine. I’m here.”

“Please don’t go,” the words tumbled out of Yuuri as he pulled himself even closer. He felt Victor’s arm tighten around him, and soon they were melded together so tightly Yuuri couldn’t tell where his body ended and where Victor’s began.

“I won’t,” Victor promised, and they breathed silently in each others’ arms.

//

Tensions grew higher and higher with each passing year, and the negotiations between the Nishigori-ikka and Feltsman Bratva had turned more into heated arguments that almost broke out in violence. Both groups wanted control over the same area, and it was rumoured that the recent shipment of methamphetamine from the Feltsman Bratva had been lower quality than they had paid for, and Yuuri knew there was nothing the _kumicho_ hated more than being cheated by others. It all came to a head when Yuuri caught one of the Bratva’s hitmen attempting to murder the _kumicho’s_ son.

Yuuri was lucky he happened to be in the right time at the right place, swiftly lodging a knife into the back of the man’s skull. A feeling of dread settled deep into his stomach, because he knew the _kumicho_ wouldn’t hesitate to completely destroy the Feltsman Bratva now.

And in turn, that would also mean destroying Victor.

Yuuri fought the bile that was rapidly rising from his stomach when the _kumicho_ tasked him with killing the Pakhan, stating that they essentially initiated a war and it was one the Nishigori-ikka will win.

“Ah, and while you’re at it, kill that annoying _rosuke_ who’s always with him too,” he added nonchalantly, like he forgot an item on his shopping list. “He gets on my nerves every time I see him, and there are rumours he’s to succeed the Pakhan. You must ensure this never happens.”

“Yes _kumicho_ ,” Yuuri obeyed, his fists clenched so tightly there were crescent-shaped cuts on his palms. His blood ran hot under his skin from the way the _kumicho_ referred to Victor, like he was an unnecessary annoyance that took up too much space.

And that was how he found himself at Victor’s apartment, a week earlier than he was supposed to be in Moscow.

“We have to end this,” Yuuri said, before Victor could say anything.

A beat of silence passed between them.

“What?” Victor asked quietly, his eyes wide with confusion and hurt.

“You…you know what’s happening, don’t you?” Yuuri asked, and from how Victor’s face darkened, it seemed both men knew exactly the situation they were in.

“The _kumicho_ wants the Pakhan dead,” Yuuri continued quietly, then swallowed deeply, “and…he wants you dead too.”

“No surprise there,” Victor said flatly, a hurricane behind his eyes.

“I’m supposed to kill you both next week.”

“That’s expected too.”

Yuuri risked a look at Victor’s face, and saw a tired smile on his face. One of resignation, like he’s had enough.

Of course. Of course Victor would be tired of this, had probably gotten tired a long time ago. At least it will be less painful now.

“I-I can’t kill you,” Yuuri confessed, looking at anywhere but Victor’s face, “and you also have time. If you leave now, I can make up some excuse to the _kumicho_ about you having an emergency negotiation or something. It’s suspicious, but I’m on his good side, so he’ll definitely believe me.”

“And what’ll happen to you?” Victor asked, his voice barely a whisper. Yuuri kept his eyes trained to a spot on the wall behind Victor.

“I’ll…I’ll manage,” Yuuri replied, balling his fists up. “But we can never see each other again. I’ll have to kill you.

“I’m glad I met you, Victor. I’m so, so glad. I was happy,” he continued, bowing his head and fighting back the tears that were rapidly forming in his eyes, trying to keep the pain of his breaking heart from tearing him apart. “Thank you so much…thank you…”

Victor didn’t say anything. Yuuri kept his eyes trained to their feet.

Then, he saw a tear splash onto the ground. Then another one. And another one.

Yuuri looked up in surprise, and saw that Victor was crying.

“So you’re just going to give up now?” he asked, his voice tinged with hurt and anger. “You’re not even going to ask me for help?”

“Help? What could you even do?!” Yuuri yelled, his emotions reaching the boiling point. He regretted the words as soon as they passed his lips, saw the tears fall faster from Victor’s eyes.

He hated this. He hated it so much, hated how their lives were controlled by men who were too power-hungry for their own good, by bags of chemicals that were worth a certain value, by pieces of paper that people spilled blood over and was what drew Yuuri into this mess in the first place. He hated the tear-stained tracks on Victor’s face, which was made for nothing but smiles and kisses that Yuuri would gladly give. He would give Victor his _life_ if he wanted.

They were just two men who wanted something very simple, and yet they could never have it now.

“I don’t want to lose you,” Yuuri choked out, his own tears finally escaping from his eyes. “I don’t ever want to let you go, I would give _anything_ to be with you. But there’s no way out of this, there’s no way!”

He buried his palms into his eyes, the sobs tearing through his body as he slowly fell apart. Maybe now Victor will see how pathetic and weak he is, and make it easier for him to let go.

Two gentle hands slowly pulled his palms away from his eyes, and he felt soft kisses press lovingly onto each of his fingers. Through his tear-stained glasses, he saw Victor hold both his hands like they were the world’s most precious treasures, and he felt a deep ache in his chest.

“We could run away,” Victor suggested quietly, a shy smile on his lips.

Yuuri stopped breathing, his eyes growing as wide as saucers.

“Run…away?”

“Well, to be very honest, I’d been thinking about it for a while,” Victor confessed, his lips moving against Yuuri’s fingers. “I had a feeling something like this would happen, so I went ahead and prepared in advance. We could leave right now…”

Victor trailed off, his jaw tightening, and Yuuri swore he could feel Victor’s hands trembling slightly. There was a small hitch in his breath as he said the next words.

“We could leave right now, if this is what you want.”

And Yuuri could see the _fear_ behind Victor’s eyes as he spoke, the way his hands tightened around Yuuri’s. He was leaving the decision up to Yuuri.

Say no, and be separated forever, cursed to live with half a heart. Say yes, and face the world together, the world that wants them both dead.

“There is nothing in this world that I want more, Victor,” Yuuri said, and he could see all the wound-up anxiety slide from Victor’s shoulders like rain from a jacket. He smiled, breathing out a sigh of relief.

“Thank God…” he murmured, a few tears leaking out of his eyes. Yuuri wiped them away with his thumbs, cupping Victor’s face tenderly, a precious ray of light in his colourless life.

“Let’s leave together, _solnyshko_ ,” Victor murmured, leaning into Yuuri’s touch.

Before, Yuuri would never even _dare_ to do something like this, to throw away the life he had shed so much blood for just because of a man. But as he stared into Victor’s bright, blue eyes, he was filled with a new steely determination, a flame that would only grow stronger with each passing day.

“I’m ready now.”

//

They drove in silence for a few moments, with nothing but the sound of tires beneath them and the pounding rain above. The initial adrenaline of the chase was wearing off, and Yuuri started to feel the pent-up anxiety he had hidden slowly seep through the cracks. There were no cars anywhere near them, and it was still raining so hard, he could barely see through the windshield even with the wipers turned to full speed.

“We’re almost at the bridge, _solnyshko_ ,” Victor said, his voice tinged with relief. It helped a little with Yuuri’s anxiety, but he just _couldn’t_ shake off the feeling that something was wrong.

“Are we going to be okay?” he asked, his hand tightening around Victor’s. The other man flashed a boyish smile that made the dark night a little brighter.

“We’ll be fine. Trust me,” he replied, pressing a kiss onto Yuuri’s ring finger. It quelled his anxiety a bit, so he let himself relax, just for a little bit…

The other car slammed into them with no warning, and one second Yuuri was looking at Victor’s smiling face, and the next second there was glass everywhere, the impact knocking the breath out of him. He had no idea what was happening, the world was spinning, he heard the crunch of metal and felt the intense pain that spread from his right side across his body. His head slammed on something hard, and everything was fuzzy around the edges, the world a blur behind his cracked glasses and the sounds muffled to his ears.

When everything stopped spinning, he realized they were upside down, the car flipped over by whatever had crashed into them. Yuuri struggled to move, gingerly turning his head to the driver’s seat and –

He almost threw up, seeing the amount of blood on Victor. There was blood all over his face, running down his neck, onto his body.

“Yu-Yuuri, are you…” he rattled, struggling to speak. Yuuri could only nod slightly, wincing at the pain. They carefully made their way out of the wreckage, climbing out the cracked window and using each other as support. The car that had hit them was a distance away, and they tried their best to stay hidden, to get away before the driver made it to the wreckage.

But that didn’t happen, because they were staring straight into the barrel of a gun, someone already positioned right beside the flipped car.

A man stood over them, and Yuuri could vaguely recognize from the way he was dressed that he was a Bratva hitman. His mouth was twisted into a disgusted grimace as he stared at the pair.

“Victor Nikiforov,” he sneered, as if the name was garbage to him, “I’m disappointed that someone like you was so easily bewitched by a Japanese dog, no matter how pretty he is. The Pakhan will deal with you himself.”

The man cocked his gun and pointed it straight at Yuuri. He reached for the knives he hid in his sleeves, prepared to jump and slit the man’s throat as he pulled the trigger –

But before he had a chance, he heard a gunshot at the same time he saw Victor jump in front of him. A spurt of blood splattered onto Yuuri’s ruined glasses, tinging the world in hues of red. He felt Victor slump over his body, his arms wrapped limply around his neck, a warm breath on his neck.

And then…nothing.

Yuuri remained frozen, clutching Victor’s body that was suddenly too heavy for him. He saw red on his hands, and immediately felt a wave of nausea pass through him.

“Victor? Hey, Victor?” he stammered quietly, shaking the other man, praying for some response. No, this can’t be happening, no, no, no no no no no –

“This isn’t funny, Victor,” he said, his voice edging on hysteria, and he could feel a laugh bubbling up from his stomach. Impossible, impossible, this can’t be happening. It was impossible, yes, Victor must be joking, this is all just a joke, this is all just a nightmare, this is just the result of a drunken night that resulted in wild fever dreams, Yuuri will wake up in his bed and look forward to the next meeting with Victor, where he is alive and well and not –

“VICTOR! THIS ISN’T _FUNNY_ ANYMORE! _WAKE UP!_ ” Yuuri was screaming now, shaking Victor violently. He only flopped with the movement like a rag doll, and all Yuuri could see was red, red trailing from Victor’s head, his body, his everywhere, the rain washing it down and making it flow in thin, diluted ribbons down the cracks in the road, everything was red red red red red –

He hated the colour red. He wanted to see blue, like the ocean. Blue, like a clear sky. A beautiful, vivid shade of blue, like Victor’s eyes.

But Victor’s eyes were half-closed and lifeless, and all Yuuri could see was the red that covered them.

He didn’t even get to say goodbye. He never told Victor how much he loves him, how much he would _do_ for him, how he could never deserve someone like him. Never told him how he was also like the sun to Yuuri, his sunshine.

Victor was dead, because of Yuuri.

If only Yuuri had been faster. If only he had been paying attention when they were in the car. If only they had taken a different route. If only he didn’t agree to this. If only they stopped meeting after that first time. If only –

But he couldn’t bring himself to think that, because there would be nothing in his life that would make him regret meeting Victor.

He barely registered the man speaking, mocking Victor’s death, saying it was such a waste for an accomplished Sovietnik like him to die protecting Yakuza scum like Yuuri. Barely even noticed when the barrel of the gun was aimed towards his face.

Yuuri was going to die. He knew. There was no way to escape his fate, and he would accept it whole-heartedly. Victor would probably be angry with him, for not living, but his soul died along with Victor, so it would only be right for his body to follow.

The stories were right, Yuuri thought, as he heard the click of the gun. His life really did flash before his eyes.

His parents faces, lined with worry, as he came home later and later every passing day. His sister’s face, brimming with anger and betrayal when he explained to her what he was, what he became. Minako- _sensei_ ’s face, commanding and strict, yet gentle and caring at the same time.

And Victor’s face, his lovely, bright face, smiling happily as they slow-danced in a private corner out of the world’s eyes, his soft voice humming a honey-sweet song into his ear.

_You are my sunshine, my only sunshine,_

_You make me happy, when skies are gray._

_You’ll never know dear, how much I love you,_

_Please don’t take my sunshine away._

It was the last thing he thought of before the world turned to black.

**Author's Note:**

> so basically i was showering and was like "hey that song is actually pretty sad, i could totally write a sad fic about it" and thus this monster was born. the title of the word doc i wrote this in is "why am i writing this". i've been writing nothing but fluff so i wanted to try and write something heavier and angsty for once, i hope i did okay?  
> also for my 2 WIPS the next updates will take longer because a) i'm outlining the plot for both of them before writing future chapters, and b) after outlining i'm gonna make an update schedule because i realized very quickly that i will literally never update if i don't have a set schedule lmao.  
> thanks for reading!  
> scream at me on [tumblr](http://domokunrainbowkinz.tumblr.com/)


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